I've been married for many years and have never given my husband oral sex . Lately it's something I'd like to do for him. I've asked him to tell me how to do it, and he did. But I still can't get my brain to let go and just do it. --iVillager G
Let me commend you at the start for wanting to jump out of the old mold and join the ranks of the sexually courageous. Yes, it does take courage and some sound ideas for breaking your own patterns to become skilled at something you have never done before. I know that with some input from me and a little guidance from the object of your desire, you will reach your new sexual goal.
The trick about giving oral pleasure to a man is twofold: You have to feel confi-dent and skilled at what you do, and you will find it most successful when you, the giver, find pleasure in your actions. I know that for some women the concept of actually enjoying administering oral sex to a man is foreign, but let me assure you that once you allow your mind to eroticize giving pleasure as a way to sexually stimulate yourself, you will never want to stop. Okay, so I may be a bit zealous, but it's true that most women who do not enjoy fellatio (oral sex on a man) have not tuned in to their own pleasure receptors and, therefore, miss the feelings of arousal that so often emerge during this sexual connection.
Next Page: Overcoming Your Fears
For example, one of my clients -- I'll call her Margie -- used to choke every time she performed oral sex on her husband. After rehearsing positive messages to herself (such as "It gives me pleasure to see my husband so turned on by this ...") she began to reverse the shame she used to associate with performing oral sex and instead start enjoying it. Before that happened, however, she also practiced. Using a penis-shaped sex toy (yes, a banana will work too), she gained self-confidence and tested some tricks and strategies using a variety of strokes and pressures. After about two weeks of secret sessions alone, she felt more at ease doing it for real on her husband. She also found an enjoyable way to get over her fears about his being "dirty" by setting up showers as a part of their prelude to having intimate sex. Their journey and success is not rare -- any truly intimate relationship requires taking risks and learning new skills to keep it alive and fresh.
If you want to gain oral sex mastery and let go of your fear of being inadequate, start by reading my friend Lou Paget's Kiss Your Way to Better Sex Love Lesson. Week Four -- Making Oral Sex Better -- is the one for you. To truly become a virtuoso, pick up a copy of her book How to Become a Great Lover. Also, get yourself a copy of the video Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking (it's available at my site). In it are more than 50 ways to give a man oral pleasure. Lastly, be sure to ask the expert who goes to sleep right next to you at night (your husband, of course) to find out what exactly he likes so that you can truly enjoy turning him -- and you -- on.
What else will he like? Find out more about Foreplay for Him. Also check out, Getting Comfortable with His Desires.
For more advice on getting the most out of sex, check out Dr. Patti's Love Lessons:
The Secret of Sexual Arousal: Spend four weeks discovering the secrets and sensations of arousal -- and find out what sexual satisfaction is all about!
30 Days of Great Sex: This four-week program will help you and your partner get closer in -- and out -- of bed and learn new ways to satisfy each other sexually
"Oral Sex Techniques of the Kama Sutra"
Among the practices of Tantra borrowed from the ancient love manual the Kama Sutra are several oral sex techniques. Unfortunately, the manual only includes oral sex performed on men. It does not mention oral-vaginal/clitoral sex.
The description of each technique includes an adaptation from the Kama Sutra as well as a more modern definition. The name of each technique is taken directly from the translated Kama Sutra. Note that the Kama Sutra refers to oral sex as "congress" and to the penis as the "lingam." For simplicity, it is assumed that the person performing each technique is female.
"When holding our lover's lingam in our hand, we place our lips around the lingam and move our mouth all about."
This is probably what is considered the basic "blow job" of today. The woman holds her partner's penis at the base while she puts his penis into her mouth and thrusts it in and out without concentrating on any one area of the penis.
Biting the Sides
"When we press the sides of our lover's lingam with our lips and teeth."
Without putting the penis into her mouth, the woman kisses the sides of her lover's penis with her lips and gently brushes her teeth along it or nibbles on its sides.
"When we press the end of the lingam with our lips close together and kiss it with suction as if we were drawing it out."
When the woman takes the head of her lover's penis into her mouth and sucks on it, as if sucking a straw.
"When we place our lover's lingam into our mouth and pressing with our lips, we slide it out."
While the entire penis is in her mouth, the woman presses her lips firmly against the penis as she slides it out of her mouth.
"When we kiss the lingam as if we were kissing the lower lip."
When the woman simply kisses her lover's penis softly and gently, but hard enough for him to feel the sensation.
"When we stroke our lover's lingam all over with our tongue."
When the woman basically licks her lover's penis from tip to base like a lollipop.
Sucking a Mango Fruit
"When we place half of our lover's lingam into our mouth and forcibly kiss and suck it."
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, a lot of tongue and sucking action on the upper half of the penis. Very passionate.
Swallowing It Up
"When we place the whole lingam into our mouth and press it to the very end, as if we were going to swallow it up."
When the woman engulfs her lover's entire penis, from tip to base, with her mouth until it touches the back of her throat.
Most people have probably already performed several of the techniques described, as they are still common sexual practices today. Anyone can enjoy the oral sex techniques of the Kama Sutra. It is not necessary to be a follower of Tantra, simply a connoisseur of exciting and passionate oral sex.
When you want advice, ask a pro. For her book The Japanese Art of Sex: How to Tease, Seduce & Pleasure the Samurai in Your Bedroom, author Jina Bacarr studied the craft of the geishas, those legendary courtesans whose very image has been making men weak in the knees (among other places) since the mid 19th century. In this excerpt, she offers playful secrets of giving oral sex geisha-style:
The Japanese word for tongue is shita. Give him a tongue bath. Go over every inch of him, tied up if he likes it. Start with his back and cute butt, then turn him over and cover his chest, down to his penis until he is ready for action. You can heat him up even more by doing it again -- with slow, graceful strokes of your open vulva.
The summer heat is stifling along Kyoto's River Kamo. A geisha cools her lover by blowing on his skin. It's a nice follow up to a tongue bath -- yours or his. For broader coverage, use water or lotion. Air from your lips, or even a hair dryer with the heat turned off, on wet, sensitive insides of the elbows, wrists, knees and genital areas will create a contrast of warm and cold that can turn you both on.
Some of the most underrated erogenous zones on your body lie in areas you might consider too ticklish to touch. Geisha nibble their food, which is always served bite-sized. You can gently nibble on his penis, fingers and ears; however, don't have an orgasm with body parts in your mouth. You can bite hard without realizing it. Stimulate his body inside and out. Slide your hand up to his chest and make circular movements around his nipples or use a finger in his anus to massage his prostate.
A favorite sucking technique of the courtesan was a swirling motion going up and down and sideways. As you move up and down his shaft -- your lips open like budding flowers -- turn your head a bit from side to side so your tongue follows a corkscrew pattern. Lick at his frenulum (an inverted V-shaped spot located where the head and shaft meet) for a few seconds before moving all the way up to the top of his penis.
Hum. With the tip of his erect penis into your mouth, make a low noise in the back of your throat. The vibrations give extra stimulation. Meanwhile, caress the bottom of his shaft and his testicles.
Fellatio is oral sex performed on a man. It is a great way to give pleasure; regardless of whether it is for foreplay, after play, or the main event. Like all other sexual skills, they must be learned, so communication is highly recommended. Whether the communication is before, during, or after, it is essential to learn the art. Finding out what he likes will invariably go a long way towards performing mind-blowing oral sex.
Keep in mind, when you are performing oral sex, you are doing this for him. Sending negative vibes about not wanting to or how much of a chore it is will take away from his experience. If you act enthusiastic, chances are it will be over faster, and it will be your turn to receive. If you are really against performing fellatio, explain to your partner why you don’t, and don’t allow him to force you if you are uncomfortable.
Cleanliness is essential with virtually all forms of sexual play; particularly in oral sex where a bad taste or smell will undoubtedly dampen enthusiasm on the part of the giver. A bath or shower is a great primer, and can be the start of the festivities. If you are uncomfortable with a particular smell that your partner may have, suggest taking a shower with you, because you’ve had a busy day and don’t feel clean. You don’t want to point out the smell (unless it is a very common occurrence and can be prevented), as that will only lead to anxieties and take away from the overall experience.
Finding an agreeable position for fellatio is usually not a difficult task. Both the man receiving fellatio and the person performing fellatio need to be comfortable. For deep throating, it is wiser to choose a position where the angle of the penis and the angle of your throat are somewhat aligned. For a better look at positions for oral sex, have a look in our sexual position section.
Too often oral sex is initiated by sucking on the penis. To achieve a more powerful orgasm, it is better practice to start with some teasing. With the exception of a quickie, fellatio should be started with some well placed teasing. Start by kissing and licking around his penis, on the inner thighs, then on to his testicles, and then slowly up his shaft towards his glans (the head of his penis). Once you get there, use your tongue to tickle him around the glans, and especially on his frenulum, the split on the underside of his penis. At this point, he should be hard as a rock and super-sensitive to everything that you do. You can continue teasing if you like, but we don’t recommend teasing too long, as this can become frustrating for the receiver.
One common problem women performing fellatio make is using only their mouth to repeatedly stroke his penis. They continue doing this until either it works, or they get a sore jaw and neck. A good “blow job” should not be too repetitive, should include stroking using a hand and the exploration of his testicles, thighs and (if you and he like) the anal region. By mixing up your style, you allow your muscles to relax, you can avoid getting a sore neck and you can improve your performance.
How you mix it up should depend on what your partner’s likes. Although there is a lot to say about fellatio that can get the job done in a matter of minutes, it is the longer ones that usually result in more intense orgasms, and coincidently are remembered. (Click here to read about stroking techniques).
It is a good idea to keep an eye on his scrotum (his testicle “sack”), as it is usually a good indicator of how close he is to coming. As a guy gets closer to climax, the skin on his scrotum tightens and pulls his testicles towards his body to warm them up. You can let this happen on its own, or help out by stimulating his testicles with a hand, tongue, or mouth
Once you get the basics, and are comfortable and experienced with them, there are a lot of options to increase the pleasure. One option is using lubricants on his shaft. This will allow you to stroke faster without causing irritation. There are a wide variety of products that can be used,this includes: flavored lubricants, lubricants that heat up when blown on or rubbed, water based, oil based and many others. On this note, using whipped cream, spreads, and other food can also be incorporated to make the “blow job” more erotic.
Sex toys can add more stimulation. Whether it is a regular vibrator, a vibrating cock ring, or an oral simulator, these toys can greatly intensify the stimulation. These days, there is virtually a sex toy for everything and everyone, so check out our toy store to find a product that is perfect for you.
If your man likes to experiment, we recommend stimulating his prostate gland with your finger or an anal toy to take his orgasms to a whole new world of pleasure. For more information on this, please refer to the anal play article.
Another more difficult to master skill is deep throating. In this, the performer takes the entire penis into the mouth and down the throat - hence the name. In many cases, the sensation is so intense that climax in men comes quickly. As enjoyable as this may be, it takes time to learn to control your gag reflex. You can train your gag reflex by trying to take as much of the penis as you can when performing fellatio. Your partner should restrain from any thrusting during this exercise! With time, you will be able to go deeper and deeper, until finally you’ll be able to take the whole thing.
Most men find it very erotic to have a partner swallow their semen, but if you really don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t do it. Options include: catching it in your mouth, then spitting it out; using a tissue to catch it; or, just letting it shoot and clean up the mess afterwards. To find out more about semen, we suggest reading our article on male ejaculation.
Many women stop performing fellatio right after their man ejaculates. Instead, you should continue to gently stimulate orally or with your hand for a minute or two longer. After a climax, the penis becomes much more sensitive, so try giving it to him a little longer. Be careful though, some men find this after-play too intense to handle.
Warnings and Suggestions
Very few men like the feeling of teeth on their penis. Teeth can cause discomfort, cuts, and scratches to the skin if you are not careful. This is easily avoided by tucking your lips around your teeth before you take the penis in your mouth.
The use of condoms is highly recommended in the practice of safer sex. If you are not sure of your partner’s sexual history, it is strongly advised that you use a condom while performing any sexual act. If you want something a little more interesting try using a flavored condom and by all means stay away from the lubricated variety (the lubricants used on condoms taste horrible). A good suggestion for anyone using a condom during fellatio is to buy a flavored lubricant to turn a normal latex condom into a tasty condom. The normal rubbery taste of a regular condom can be all but eliminated by unrolling, washing (with mild soap and water), rinsing, drying and re-rolling (if for later use).
Since we have been receiving so many e-mails and letters regarding the topic, cunnilingus is the sex tip of choice this week. Although I have written three other articles pertaining to the subject entitled, Oral Sex Part I, Part II and Part III, I thought it was time to give readers a more in-depth look into the vagina and the amazing things that guys (and gals) can do to it with their tongues.
The following techniques provided are a simple guide to teaching all of you the basics of "eating out" (and I'm not referring to the fork and knife kind of eating either).
If you're not much of a vaginal vacuum and are hesitant because of odors or what have you, ensuring that she has just come out of the shower will ease your tension and you'll be able to let loose (so to speak).
tongue to lips
Any licking, sucking and all-around moisture from the mouth to the vaginal entrance, the labia (lips) or the clitoris is surely going to make you popular with your flavor of the evening.
Start off slowly... pretend that her entire vagina is a cherry lollipop and you've been dying to get a lick of it. Start by using your tongue to lick her vagina from her entrance up to her clitoris. Remember to chill out and relax -- enjoy yourself and don't get tense.
Move your tongue freely from her inner lips to her outer labia on one side, whilst keeping all her lips inside your mouth. And since the other side will probably get jealous, move on to the other side afterwards.
stick in your tongue
Were you aware that the tongue is the body's strongest muscle? Well imagine what you could do with your tongue if you were sexing her with it. Since you have more control with your tongue than with your penis, the sensations will drive her crazy.
Not only is your tongue naturally lubricated with saliva, it can maneuver itself in ways that a penis never could. So why not use your tongue to have sex with her? Stick your tongue in and out, and when you're in, move your tongue around -- EXPLORE!
Solidify your tongue at first and then allow it to soften, by relaxing your tongue muscles while licking her gently. Changing your cadence will keep her on her toes (or off as the case may be), wondering what your next move will be.
Don't be afraid to roam around, but remember to continuously return to her clitoris since most women's orgasms are clitoral -- especially when it comes to cunnilingus.
Make sure not to apply too much pressure to her clitoris off the bat because it may irritate her and turn her off. Start out gently and, by reading her signals, increase pressure and speed accordingly.
intense vaginal volume
When you've got her as hot as a lion in heat, the following techniques are going to drive her wild. Once again, make sure to pay attention to her reactions and body language at all times.
With her clitoris still exposed, give it quick little sucks by pulling it into your mouth momentarily and releasing it. This will definitely have a positive effect on her entire body.
Next, take her clitoris into your mouth and gently suck on it continuously whilst simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. You can perform this technique very lightly or aggressively, depending on what she likes.
If you combine this technique with your fingers, she will virtually reach mind-blowing orgasms every time.
Some more secrets on how to give great oral sex.
All About The Penis:
Oral sex positions
Well, it's variation on the usual theme of "sex positions" meaning just vaginal sex positions. But when you think about it, there might even be more usefulness to a page devoted to the myriad ways of bringing your mouth, lips and tongue into contact with your partner's penis or vulva than the more conventional depictions of making love: after all, as almost every man knows, cunnilingus may be fun (no, it is fun) but it can certainly result in a sore neck if you don't get the posture just right.
So how many couples do oral sex? When I was a horny teenager, I used to look at couples (my parents and their friends mostly) and think how unlikely it was that they ever did anything as naughty as oral sex. Now that I'm older, I look at couples and I still wonder if they're doing anything other than the missionary position once a week. The facts are hard to get hold of. One survey done by a condom company suggests that three quarters of all couples have tried oral sex. Maybe I should put a survey on this site to get a few facts. Hmm. I will, when I have time.
There's a big move in the US to oral sex among teenagers who apparently regard it as equivalent to not having sex. I wonder how they got that idea? Whether you see oral sex as abstinence or not, it is certainly enjoyable, and the orgasms that come from it are just as pleasurable as those from vaginal intercourse. The sight of my lady taking my penis in her mouth is an amazing one, which somehow always seems a bigger deal than me kissing her vulva, clitoris or the areas nearby. I don't know why it seems so different. Interesting. Anyhow, as a part of foreplay, oral sex is very rewarding, and we certainly enjoy it. Indeed, in the days when I was a premature ejaculator, the first course of our sexual banquet was a long session of oral sex during which I used all my tonguely skills to bring off the beloved as many times as she cared to come, followed by a cuddle, followed by a (quick) bout of vaginal intercourse.
(BTW, I understand why men are so reluctant to sort out their premature ejaculation. It's because any ejaculation a guy has in a vagina is always - to say the least - pleasurable, no matter how quickly he comes. Certainly I never found my quick orgasms unsatisfying. But by contrast, if I thrust for twenty minutes or so, she will come when I am inside her; when she starts to come, it sets me off, and the result is a spectacular simultaneous orgasm for us both. This is much better than an "ordinary" orgasm.)
And oral sex can be a real turn on for a guy: the sight and scent of the lover's vulva, the gradual change as it swells, engorges, and begins to drip juice: all of these things are incredibly arousing. Ah! That sweet moment when the first drop of vaginal juice hits the tongue - it's a fantastic moment. There's no taste like it.
As for oral sex from woman to man - well, the perennial question is "will she keep my cock in her mouth while I come?" Men like to come inside a woman (it's something in the genes, not a patriarchal society's way of oppressing women), but I guess even if their partner won't take the moment of orgasm, most men would still appreciate a bout of oral lovemaking from their girl. It feels absolutely wonderful - mostly because the tongue can tickle the sensitive spots on the penis head in a way a vagina can't. Get oral sex techniques here.
The websites shown at the top left corner of this page have suggestions for positions in which you might best enjoy oral sex. The suggestions are in the form of pictures, so there should be no difficulty understanding what is needed!
Fellatio - advice for women
Here's some advice for the budding fellatio artiste, which you might like to read before you go down on him. Come to think of it, it might help the experienced fellater as well. After all, his penis is too precious to risk any accidents.
The significance of fellatio
This is the ultimate sign of respect for a man. The fact that you are willing to take his penis into your mouth means more to him than you can possibly imagine. And this isn't just about the fantastic physical sensations, though many men will tell you that fellatio is almost better than intercourse (it's certainly a close run thing!) It's about the fact that you are willing to do something so intimate for him, an act that requires so much trust and love. A woman's reluctance to suck her partner's cock can be a real source of difficulty in a relationship.
Try starting before he's erect
Why not take his soft penis into your mouth? There are several advantages to this. First, if you are intimidated by a big erect penis (or even a not-so-big-erect penis) this can be less threatening. More importantly, perhaps, if he is slow to arouse, or he needs time to get going, this particular approach is likely to be the one that gets him aroused faster than anything else.
Don't literally give him a blow-job!
Most women know, of course, that there is no blowing in a blow job. The job to be done almost exclusively involves licking and sucking. In fact, alternating between licking and sucking is generally a good idea. Moving your tongue around in your mouth while you have his penis in there is a pretty good idea too.
Now that I'm writing this, I'm wondering why. After all, isn't it obvious what to do? Well, yes...and no. If you've never had a penis in your mouth before, it can be an overwhelming experience (so I'm told). So, if you're going to lick, you might like to know in advance that the most sensitive spot is usually on his frenulum, on the underside of his penis. Of course many circumcised men don't have a frenulum, but it's still a good place to start. Running your tongue around the rim of his glans should get him excited, and if his foreskin is loose, pushing the tip of your tongue between his glans and foreskin will be very exciting for him. Perhaps the most exciting way of using your tongue is to lick and flick it gently across and around his glans while you hold his penis in your warm, wet mouth. You can also use your hand on the base of his shaft to control how far his penis enters your mouth.
The most sensitive spot for sucking is the head of a man's penis; sucking and licking this area can work wonders. Of course, sucking can also involve a deeper enveloping of a man's penis with your mouth. This deeper method feels good along the shaft of the penis, and the pressure of the back of the mouth feels extremely good on the sensitive glans. When combined with a sucking action, this is the closest, some men swear, that they come to experiencing heaven on earth. As women become more experienced, they can often take their partner deeper into their mouth and even into their throat. This requires quite a bit of practice, and it is generally best if the woman controls the rhythm and depth of penetration.
How to avoid gagging
Many women worry that they will gag if they take their partner deep into their mouth or throat. One way to avoid this is to place your hands around the base of his penis, so that he simply cannot push too far into your mouth. As you gain more experience, you may wish to try taking him deeper into your mouth: he will be very happy about this, for the feelings produced by the pressure of his glans on the back of your throat are wonderful. If you really want to deep throat him, there are various ways you can learn to overcome your gag reflex. Here's one taken from Satin Slippers: "In terms of your issues with gagging during oral sex, there is something you can work on, which is learning to raise your soft palate. When you yawn, your soft palate goes up automatically, so the next few times you yawn, pay attention to the sensations in your mouth in terms of the back of your throat. Often, if you press the base of your tongue down and flatter to the bottom of your mouth (as you likely know, it's a muscle, you don't need anything in there to move it), and the tip of your tongue towards your teeth, you can raise your soft palate intentionally."
To maintain the greatest control of how deep he can thrust - and it is likely he will want to thrust into your mouth, because that feels best for him - you can keep your hands around the base of his penis or you can have him lie on his back as you kneel over him: that way you will be better able to control the depth of penetration.
Lips and teeth
Don't ever bite his penis! And avoid rubbing the skin of his shaft with your teeth as the penile skin is easily torn. The best way to keep his penis safe is to keep your lips over your teeth as you move up and down his shaft or as he thrusts in and out of your mouth.
Spit or swallow?
There's no need to agonize over this issue. It's simply a matter of personal choice. You might want to swallow for his greater pleasure, though it doesn't matter to all men, so establish what he would like and don't assume you know without asking him! You might want to take his semen into your mouth and discretely spit it out afterwards, or you may want to move his penis out of your mouth and masturbate him to orgasm so that his semen does not enter your mouth at all. My own partner does not want semen in her mouth, and, though I have to admit I would like her to swallow, it's not a big issue between us. She tells me it's not the taste that bothers her, which is what seems to put off most women, but the gloopy texture she has an aversion to. Oh well. By the way, the taste of men's semen varies according to the time of the month (really) and what they've recently eaten.
A few other words about oral sex
It's a complete myth that oral sex is so hot for a man that he's going to burst into an ejaculation without fail. The truth is that some men find it extremely arousing, and some don't, merely finding it very pleasurable. I personally have only orgasmed through oral sex a few times, usually after I'd brought off my partner by cunnilingus beforehand, and then being so aroused that I was halfway there even before I started. Having said, that, I think one of the best orgasms of my life was with a previous partner who took me to orgasm through superb oral sex and kept on stimulating me with her mouth as I came, swallowing each spurt of semen as I ejaculated. Remember, ladies, that for your man, oral sex is the ultimate sign of acceptance. He'll probably be most upset if you won't take his penis in your mouth - even if he says he's fine about it.
And what of the testicles?
I cam across the expression "tea bagging" recently. I doubt it's in widespread usage, because I've never heard of it before, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. It apparently refers to the act of sucking the testicles, or taking them into the mouth during oral sex. Many men really like having their testicles licked and played with because they are so sensitive - but, please, be very gentle. Start out soft and get harder, by all means, but his "family jewels" are the most delicate part of his anatomy and very easily hurt. Watch the expression of delight on his face as you pleasure him. He'll certainly let you know if he's in pain or discomfort. Unfortunately, if the pain's strong or sudden, he's likely to respond very dramatically - so, to repeat, be careful. The final touch which may send him into ecstasy is to lick around and under his balls, and along his perineum. This can be exquisite for him. If your mouth is busy on his penis, then you can gently fondle his balls as you suck his penis.
Lastly, men greatly appreciate oral sex, both receiving it and giving it to you. Indeed, cunnilingus is extremely arousing for most men. But if you're pleasuring him and he's not giving it to you in return, you might want to negotiate some oral pleasure for yourself. Just tell him straight what you want from him. That's the best way to get anything from a man! Pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not, believe me, good strategies!
Advanced sexual techniques for her
The key to successful sex for many women is a slow, prolonged build up. Men often want to move straight to the main event, but for a woman, slow and steady progress is a much better route to sexual fulfillment. Men need to understand that a woman has to be awakened, slowly turned on and aroused, before she will begin to feel her sexual drive. When her partner gently touches a woman on her non-erogenous zones, she becomes aware of her desire to be touched on her erogenous zones. Therefore, the best way to awaken her arousal is not to head straight for her breasts or vulva, but to gently caress around them; kissing the areas alongside her sexual areas will awaken her desire to be touched on her breasts, nipples, clitoris and vulva.
As a rough guide, a man can calculate that a woman needs ten times the amount of foreplay that he needs to become aroused (though I guess some women are now saying "ten times nothing is still nothing!") So this might equate on average to twenty minutes or so of foreplay.
One of the problems for me in my early days as a lover was that I got bored with foreplay very quickly - I wanted penetration and orgasm, in the selfish way that young men want sexual satisfaction. Many men have emailed me to tell me that they have the same issue: how do they give their partner what she needs without being bored? One answer is that men can focus on what they are doing; they can be fully present, and put all of their attention into their fingers, mouth or whatever part of their body they are using to fondle, stroke, kiss or caress their partner. By keeping focused on what you are doing, you will be much more interested in it, much more responsive to your partner's changing levels of excitement, and much less bored yourself. But this may not be enough, because a woman may also need variation and difference in the strokes that a man uses to awaken her sexual interest.
For example, instead of just using the pads of your fingertips to caress her body, vary your touch. Use a scratching motion, running your fingernails gently down her skin, or vary the pressure from firm to soft as you move your fingers over her body. Move your fingers in circular movements or in long strokes; press more or less firmly as you touch her. When you kiss her, tease her with different movements of your tongue over her lips or mouth, perhaps sucking or pulling gently on her top or bottom lip with your mouth. Don't stick your tongue straight into her mouth - she may not like it! Wait until she begins to become more responsive to your touch before you get bolder and more exploratory. Most of the time, as a man it is your job to lead her in sex, so that she discovers her arousal as a result of you leading her to it. A clear, decisive man is much more arousing for a woman than a man who is tentative and uncertain.
Above all, a woman will not want to be touched on or in her vagina or clitoris until she is sufficiently aroused for this to be pleasurable. A hand gently pressed palm downwards over her vulva is sometimes a good indication of her level of arousal - if she responds by raising her hips or indicating that she would like further exploration of her vagina, then it may be time to gently insert a finger. But in the early stages of arousal, a woman will appreciate a man who takes the time to move his fingers all over her vulva, slowly moving them up and down the whole length of her labia and around her clitoris, not focusing too long on any one spot, but varying the pressure and movements in a way that leaves her excited by not knowing what is coming next, but reassured that her body is not being invaded sexually before she is ready for it.
A very good way of increasing a woman's arousal is to massage her whole body in slow luxurious strokes with oil, paying particular attention to her back and legs. A teasing movement, stroking up her thighs, but not touching her vulva or anus, then moving away again at the last minute, will excite her by awakening her sense of desire to be touched on her erogenous zones. As you move on to her buttocks, again making teasing moves towards and away from her anus and vulva, she may begin to raise her hips in a sign of sexual arousal. To make the experience better for you and her, do not allow yourself to be seduced into penetrating with your penis at this stage, even if she begs you to do so. Instead, awaken her G spot by massaging it with a finger inserted into her vagina.
Her G spot is a ridged area of tissue about one or two inches inside, on the top surface of her vagina as she lies on her back. As she becomes more aroused, this tissue becomes more swollen and engorged, less ridgy and rough, and it drops down towards the floor of the vagina. You can move your finger over the surface of her G spot to find the point at which she is most sensitive; the exact type of movement that produces the greatest response is also different between women, so experiment with a hooked finger pressing gently upwards into her G spot, a sideways sweep from side to side like a windshield wiper, a back and forth movement to mimic penetration, and anything else that occurs to you. Sometimes the most effective movement is simple on-off gentle fingertip pressure and release on the very front edge of the G spot.
G spot stimulation is only pleasurable after a particular point in a woman's arousal. If you do it too soon, she will not like it. However, when she is ready, it can be extremely exciting for her and produce exquisite sensations which provide a profound pleasure - and if you lick or gently caress her clitoris at the same time, she may well go into a state of extreme sexual ecstasy. It's worth knowing, though, that the G spot is such a significant sexual nerve point that stimulating it can release all kinds of repressed emotions, and you may well find her laughing, crying, shouting, getting angry, or whatever, for no apparent reason. This is not personal; it represents the release of all the sexual baggage which has been stored in her vagina as a bodily memory. (A bodily memory is an unexpressed emotional experience relating to a sexual event. Clearly if a woman has been raped or sexually abused, the emotional release may be profound. In short, you never really know what will happen with G spot stimulation until you try it.)
Why do it, you may ask, if it can have such profound effects? The answer is that it is a route to extreme sexual pleasure: a G spot orgasm. This is a very different experience to a clitoral orgasm: much more profound, much more whole body, much more emotionally fulfilling. And it can lead to female ejaculation (see "All About Sex" for details of female ejaculation), which is an incredibly exciting experience for most men, and produces orgasmic contractions of extreme intensity for most women.
In addition, after a G spot orgasm, a woman's vagina is ready for her man's penis: swollen, warm, ready and craving to be filled by her lover. She will literally be warm, willing and wet, wanting you in her for the sheer pleasure of feeling the sexual energy of your penis meeting the sexual energy of her G spot. It is quite likely that she will come again through your vaginal thrusting, and if she does so, she is likely to have an orgasm with intense vaginal contractions which are likely to bring you off at the same time. This simultaneous experience of orgasm is a truly magical thing.
Men's favorite positions
in order of favoriteness
1) Rear entry kneeling, 2)Woman on top, facing forwards,3)Wheelbarrow,4)Missionary,5)Sideways with legs wrapped around each other,6)Rear entry standing,7)Missionary with the woman's legs around her ears, by the look of the picture. Honestly, men are so visual: any opportunity to see their partners vulva and they grab it! But seeing her exposed as she bends back is a huge turn on for me, and no doubt many other men.
I guess there are no surprises there. Rear entry is one which I just find irresistible. The sight of the beloved's bottom, parted to reveal her heavenly cleft, is a powerful stimulus, and the high excitement factor plus the deep penetration means I tend to come very quickly. Some women say they find the rear entry position animalistic, and as a result they may feel a bit like a sex object, which in a way I can understand. However, a loving relationship is about mutual pleasure, and if the guy likes rear entry sex, then the woman may want to do it to give him pleasure. It certainly gets men in touch with some very basic lustful instincts - like the instinct to mount, penetrate, thrust and ejaculate! (Well, I know it does me, and I assume I'm not that different to other men.) Very satisfying, it is, too.
Woman on top is a lovely position for both partners, and speaking from my personal experience, limited though that may be, I'm not surprised it's a favorite of both sexes. The woman can have a sense of dominance, which she may like from time to time (as opposed to being underneath in the missionary and having a sense of being dominated - which the beloved tells me she likes as well, in fact she wants that experience on a more regular basis than the woman on top experience. Just as well, really, because so do I) and she can control the depth, speed and angle of penetration, which all adds up to much more chance of a whiz bang orgasm for her. And to make that even more certain, she can play with her clitoris as she enjoys his penetration. Or, if her man isn't feeling totally idle - he doesn't have a lot to do in this position - he can play with her clitoris or breasts. Of course, I'm always very attentive to my partner's bits in this position. I mean, I'd never lie back and take it easy.
As for the wheelbarrow position, all I can say is that it must be an acquired taste. We haven't acquired it yet.
Aha, the missionary position next. Whether or not the legend about missionaries telling natives who apparently had sex in a squatting position (squatting...how would that work, exactly?) that the only acceptable way of having sex was in the face to face position is true, it's certainly a very enjoyable experience. And in fact it turns out that it's the one most couples use the most. Why? Well, it's very sweet, and I think it gives both partners what they most want in lovemaking. I know what I want most often (as opposed to the times when I want a raw fuck): the pleasure of kissing, eye contact and my body pressing on hers, or the ability to see my penis entering her if I lift up, the ability to hold her tightly as I enter her and the gorgeous feeling of her warmth and wetness around me as she gasps with pleasure when my cock goes past her juicy labiae and into her secret place...oh. Excuse me. I just have something to attend to.
Right. Where was I? Ah, pushing my penis slowly and firmly into her yielding flesh. There's no better moment, I think in the whole of lovemaking, except perhaps the moment when you know she wants you for the first time in a new relationship. But it is a fantastic moment for a man, because it confirms that yes, you are man enough to win a woman, who actually wants you to make love with her. OK, I admit that was what I thought the first time it happened to me, but my suspicion is that it is not much different for the majority of men, since even in these days of equality there is still a lot of the ethos of men having to win a woman rather than the other way around. The beloved tells me that she loves the feeling of being under me, feeling as if she can't get away while I enter her. That's probably quite a common thing for women too. (Any women out there care to let me know if I'm way off beam with that one?) But then again, I love it when she wraps her legs around me and draws me into her even more deeply.
And the other great thing about the missionary is that a guy can thrust deeply - thrusting is one of the most deeply satisfying things about sex for me (though I love to just tickle her vulva and the first two inches of her vagina with short strokes and little thrusting movements. Fortunately, she likes it as well.) There is a deeply instinctual sexual response mechanism which triggers men's arousal and their desire to thrust. Although of course it's possible to choose to make love last longer, and hold off from orgasm by slowing down the pace of thrusting, men do appreciate a strong, powerful, quick fuck from time to time. I think this is one of reasons why having a "quicky" every so often, where he just goes for it (with her agreement, of course), is both very necessary and enjoyable for men. In a way, it's a bit like him giving her what she wants from time to time - whether that be a romantic seductive evening out, or a long, slow, luxurious session of oral sex, or whatever.
The sideways and side by side positions for sex are very much in the category of slow, romantic, gentle lovemaking. They allow eye gazing, body contact, and long penetration without ejaculation. Actually, they allow that for the beloved and me, but again I doubt we are much different to other couples. It can be a struggle getting into those positions, but if you start in the missionary and roll over (without falling out of her) you should be able to get yourself into a clinch like the one in the picture. Lovely!
Now, if all of that isn't enough, you can find some comments about why certain sex position feel good, written very eloquently and arousingly here. You can find non-pornographic pictures of sex positions, should you be interested, in the websites listed at the top right hand side of this page. And here's a view of sexual positions from a female writer and amateur sexologist. Read it if you want to know what your partner thinks about all those moves you want to try out!